Settling In…the hard way

Ashley and I were content.

I was settling in being a mom on my own while getting to know my daughter as best as I could. I missed my parents immensely though; it wasn't the same without them living under the same roof. They were living and loving life while traveling and doing grandma and grandpa things.

Over the next several months my parents would realize their apartment was getting too crowded. It was time to look at more room because you see, my mom has a great love for antiques and keeping things forever and ever. They ended up moving around the corner to a duplex which was quant, cute, and perfect for mom and dad.

Something in me that year however, went haywire. Something in me reacted to the trauma I had been through which led me to not be there how I needed to be. It led me to making so many horrible decisions I have since forgiven myself for.

I have learned I responded to my trauma like a girl that was abused.

I was never abused.

I was responding to the trauma I had endured with my daughter at such a young age. That was no excuse for my behavior and what was about to go on over the next several years, but at least I was able to learn what triggered the behavior.

We knew when Ashley was born that she would be facing multiple surgeries in her life. We also knew that some would be more critical than others and some, would be more worrisome. Every surgery was a risk.

Each time Ash was put under anesthesia was another chance of losing her. Every single surgery was no less horrifying than the any other. We were approaching surgery number 3 in just a short couple of months.

What we once again were not prepared for, was the outcome of surgery on that Tuesday morning.