Back to the Hospital~
Aside from the fact that I was a naive teenager who needed a reality check, I was also burying my feelings.
I buried them so deep that they didn't show themselves until I was in my 30's and 40's. I'll explain that along the way.
So here we were Ash was home at 3.5 months old. I had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do, yet I spent my first several months living the life I wanted to vs. the life I NEEDED to be living. It would take me longer than it should have to figure it out and once again, that didn't happen when it should have. I am famous for not doing things right the first time. I am good at figuring things out late and then learning them the hard way.
We were preparing ourselves for once again the unknown.
It was February, Ash was 10 months old, and it was time to return to Minneapolis Childrens Hospital for her closed heart surgery. The shunt she was having replaced would be of great benefit to her but with everything else this baby had been through; we were unsure of what to expect. I wasn't very good at being positive back then in fact, I sadly seemed to be always 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'.
February 10th, 1991, bright and early we headed into the hospital. This procedure was not as evasive however, it was risky. Each time they put Ashley under anesthesia there were risks. The surgery was to take 3 to 5 hours so we once again found ourselves in a hurry up and wait situation. I behaved myself though and managed this time to not stumble into areas I wasn't supposed to be. My heart hurt and I was nervous as to what this outcome would be.
What do we expect?
Will things go as planned?
How long will she be here?
I was asking myself all kinds of questions and then, her cardiologist Dr. Singh and the surgeon Dr. Helseth walked in to the waiting room.
I felt my heart racing and my body shaking. In our experience thus far nothing was easy for Ashley. Things hadn't previously gone the way they were planned from a surgical standpoint but my hope was, this would be different.
We were hopeful, we were scared, and we were waiting for the words to come out of their mouths.