Everyday Life!

She was home and it was the beginning of what would prove to be some of the most challenging times.

I was a mom.

A mom.

At SEVENTEEN!!

I don't know where the hell I was when I was in my late teens and early 20ish years, because during that time I am certain I was on another planet. I was so oblivious to things that were happening around me because I was selfish. I did a good job at shutting important world matters out while only worrying about myself. I obviously needed time to grow into this new role of motherhood. My parents were gracious always being there to "help" with Ash. I was young, selfish, and had live in babysitters so that meant, I was gone with friends whenever I wanted to be. It wasn't intentional. It just was what it was.

When Ash came home it was like a million pounds was lifted and life could go back to "normal". What I had forgotten was 'normal' was never going to happen for me. I now had new and bigger responsibilities other than myself. Nights at football games, parties, and just cruising down the main drag were what I wanted to be doing. Not being home being a mom. How frivolous of me. I loved my daughter with all of my heart, but I was naïve. I was oblivious to my responsibilities, and I was more concerned about my friends and my social life then what was sitting right in front of me.

This went on for a few months until my parents put there foots down. I remember feeling overwhelmed with so many things that I literally just tried to hide, however; the police were called, and my hiding didn't last long. I needed to grow the hell up. I was a baby that had a baby, and it was clear I wasn't done being a mother.

New rules and expectations were set, and I tried my hardest to abide by them. Ash was about 9 months old now and we would soon be preparing to go back to the hospital for yet another heart procedure.

She needed a replacement shunt because the one they put in her at 2.5 weeks old, she was outgrowing. She needed a new one that would grow with her, and that time had come. This would be a closed heart surgery but none the less, it was still going to be another event that would leave lasting scars on me. Another event that would take a toll on me emotionally and mentally leaving me feel more depleted than before.