Believe it or not…

This next blog will be a head turner.

It will shock some and infuriate others.

This topic is not something I have talked about with just anyone let alone the public and 'strangers'. Up until now there have only been a handful of people I have EVER discussed this with. I have carried this deep and kept it mostly to myself because I went through this like so many other things, by myself. I have thought about it every day as it has weighed on my heart and soul.

This next journey I was on included the help of Ruth and my parents. It was a difficult next several months only this time, it wouldn't be from a medical standpoint or have anything to do with Ashley this time, this journey would be a result of poor choices that were made without thinking, being smart, or without being cautious.

So, what could I possibly be talking about?

What happened that I needed guidance from a social worker?

I was trying to be a mom, learn new responsibilities, and grow as a woman.

Why would I need any help from Ruth? What was she going to do for me when from the very beginning I saw her as nothing but a threat? What she was about to do over the next several months was save me. She was going to save me mentally, emotionally, and she was going to help me save a couple that had been longing to have children. Huh? What does that mean??

Remember, I was 17. I was sexually active, and I was fertile. I was so fertile in fact that I not only found myself pregnant at 16 but I was pregnant once again just a few short months after my 17th Birthday.

I thought I could hide it.

I thought I could take care of it.

I thought......I don't know what I thought.

Clearly, I wasn't thinking at all, period. This would be an interesting journey of parenting and pregnancy. All at the age of 17.

What the hell was I going to do?

I was scared to death. What was Ashley's dad going to do and/or say? How would he respond? What were my options? There were so many questions and feelings that I just slipped into silence for a few days. I didn't know how this happened (of course I did from a literal standpoint). Why me? I found myself asking that a lot during my younger years of life and this time, I wanted answers.

The choices and decisions over the next several months were ones that were best-case scenarios for everyone involved, especially this said couple Ruth lead me too to help. My parents, Ruth, and I knew this path was the one that would be the best to go down. It wasn't going to be an easy path, but it would be the wisest. There were a lot of life changing, core ripping decisions I would have to make and at such a young age.

I needed to do the right thing and that right thing this time, would have nothing to do with benefiting me.