An untimely visual.

There I was, standing at the back entrance to the unit that cares for the sickest of babies.

I couldn't move.

I couldn't breathe.

I was in pure disbelief of what I was seeing.

Ashley had arrested not once, not twice, but three times. Twice during surgery and once in the PICU unit. It was horrific, it was unfathomable, but it was real. This 6 foot tall doctor was doing chest compressions on my tiny two week old daughter. How is this happening? I was young, naïve, and I was oblivious to most things back then but what I knew for sure at that very moment was that this doctor was struggling to save my daughters life.

I remember my best friend Amy and I both being in shock. We just stood there watching. It felt like an eternity and then all of a sudden, he stopped. Dr. Miller had finally resuscitated Ashely and at that very moment, I lost it. I shrieked, I screamed, and then I hugged Amy tight. We soon realized we were being watched by medical staff so we quickly darted out of the entrance. We ran around the corner and stopped. We needed to make sense of what it was we had just witnessed. We cried together and wondered how I was going to go back to the waiting room and explain to my Mom, Dad, and to Scott (Ashley's dad), what we had just seen? We were not supposed to even be in that part of the hospital let alone standing there watching as my daughter fought for her life.

These events in my life as you know happened when I was just 16.

That was 32 years ago.

I didn't keep a diary or write any of this down. It was my life. It was what I physically, mentally, and emotionally lived through. Most of the details are so vivid and plain like they happened yesterday and some, are a little hard to recall. You just do not forget memories like these and that day was certainly one I will never ever forget. Surgery was to hopefully fix the several issues (mentioned previously) Ash had going on however, it didn't go that way. She arrested, her body resisted, and she had a stroke during surgery.

It was a devastating day. How can a life so short go through so much pain and be so sick? I remember it being so hard to wrap my brain around. I didn't understand why this little human had to go through all of this. Why God chose her to be a human poking machine. She had tubes and IV's coming out of everywhere. It was awful. There my daughter was laying helpless in a hospital bed while a machine would breathe for her.

Amy and I made it back to the waiting room as I was sobbing. I could hardly contain myself to breathe let alone tell my family what we had just watched. It was horrible. I remember Mom tearing up and Dad losing his breath.

You need to understand that Ashely was/is my parents everything.

Mom and Dad were disappointed in me when they found out I was pregnant however the second Ashley was born, that went out the window. Ashley was my late fathers pride and joy. She was his world and Ashley, could do no wrong. Dad used to say "I will never again complain about having a cold or the flu after seeing my grandbaby laying there with tubes coming out of everywhere." This journey not only affected me it rocked my parents, to their core.

The events that played out that day made it more clear to me just how sick this baby was.

Ashley's prognosis was grim, it was unclear, and all we could do was play the waiting game.