Lingering Lessons

Life has been a roller coaster.

There has been so much that has gone on behind the scenes that most still know very little about. I tell you that because it has brought me to blogging. It has brought me to this place of wanting to reach and inspire at least one woman who is struggling and maybe needs to hear the words "you can do this".

Everything I have lived through from the time I was 15 to today, has made me the person I am.

Those decisions were what I wanted at the time, and I am grateful to be here now, telling you about them. Had I not had the hardships, two teen pregnancies, Ashley's health struggles, and of course all of the hurtful decisions I made along the way…I would not be here telling my story.

I would not be able to come from a place of experience and understanding. 

But we are not to all of that just yet.

So, let's back up and go to where we left off, the summer of 1993.

That was the summer we were yet again faced with potential new life. I mentioned that I would be needing my mom. I don't care how old I have been or am, I have needed that woman more times than I can count.

I found myself, that June, taking a pregnancy test with my girlfriend Amy by my side. Could this be happening, again? I obviously didn't have to ask how, but I sure as hell was asking why.

Ash was 3, home with a trache. She had already had 4 open heart surgeries and one closed heart surgery. She had gone through eye surgery, tubes in her ears - twice, and the list goes on and on. I had had twins that were not in my care. Twins that were teeny and very sick, and they needed a lot more than I could give them. I was still battling, in my head, the decision I had made about them, and wondered every day whether or not I made the right choice.

But here I was, 20 years old and pregnant for the third time, in 31/2 years. 

They didn't call me Fertel Mertle for nothing.

I had proven conceiving was no challenge or obstacle, though it certainly was for so many. I lived with guilt for a lot of years, being able to have babies so young. I lived with guilt, the trauma, and the battles of what Ash and I had both gone through.

Most people don't think about how their actions and words impact their kids.

They don't think their kids will "end up like them", or that think they won't go through what you as a parent did.

But that's wrong.

Kids are amazingly resilient, smart, and they know exactly what is going on with their parents, at all times.

I am still as an almost 50-year-old woman, learning that every single day.

My actions and choices back then have absolutely impacted the young women my daughters have grown to be, I just wouldn't realize it quite yet. It would take years of mistakes, poor choices, and a lot of hard truths to figure that out.

The only thing I do regret over the past 30 years, is the hurt I caused the people I love/loved along the way. That took me a long time to forgive myself for but we are again, getting ahead of ourselves.